D.Gray-man Blog

This is a continuation of my other essay — about Lenalee’s and Komui’s thoughts on each other in chapter 130 and 140. This essay will start where that one left off on how Lenalee finally reached a resolve to reunite with her Innocence. It covers chapter 148 and 149.

After the shaking stopped from the Level 4, the nurse realized Lenalee was not wearing any shoes. The thought of putting something on never occurred to Lenalee since she was going to synth with her Innocence anyway, there was no need to wear shoes. But another reason could be that she has never worn regular shoes in a long time. For years, her shoes has been Innocence, and she has gotten used to wearing Innocence, which caused her feet to be heavy.

Not wearing them now, she is much lighter on her feet, but why should she wear shoes when she was going to, in any minute, synth with her Innocence? Wearing something else didn’t matter to her, however the nurse would have none of it and gave her a pair of shoes to wear. It caused Lenalee to almost lose control.

It wasn’t the kind gesture of the nurse, but the fact that she was wearing normal shoes for the first time in a long while. It was not Innocence, but regular shoes that any normal person could wear, a pair of shoes that Lenalee may have worn when young, before this whole ordeal began. It was something she craved, something that was hidden deep inside her that she always hid underneath when at war.

She never thought to wear normal shoes that anyone else wore, because when was she ever normal? She was a solider in the Black Order, and wearing Innocence was normal to her. But wearing these pair of normal shoes reminded her how she always wanted to be normal, how she always longed to have a life that wasn’t filled with death and pain, and these shoes brought out feelings that she may have rather kept hidden. She said the shoes were “warm.” It wouldn’t start turning on her, or confusing her, or become a weapon that could control her and turn her life upside down. It was a normalcy that she longed for.

But she also longs to not hurt her brother. A part of her longs to be normal, however she knows that all she can do is fight when her family is in danger. And she needs the Innocence to fight — an Innocence that she hates because it stole her life away and is the cause of her brothers pain, and is the sole reason that she has to fight in the war in the first place.

Now she doesn’t know what to do; she is conflicted. Should she help her friends, or do as her brother wishes? She doesn’t want her brother to be sad, which was why she wanted to protect him, but the only way to do that is the synth with her Innocence; however that is the reason her brother is in pain. He doesn’t want her to die.

She didn’t mean to say that she wanted to die. She didn’t mean for her brother to think that she wanted to carelessly throw her life away. She just wanted Komui to understand that she would do anything to protect her friends, even if it means putting her own life in danger. She doesn’t want to die, but Komui does not see it that way and thinks that she has already turned into a solider that the Black Order wants her to be, and that he has been trying to protect Lenalee from in the first place. It is the reason he is there.

So now Lenalee is conflicted on what to do. Angry, she yelled that she hated the Innocence, probably an outburst that she has kept inside for so long. She hates the Innocence for what it had done to her and her brother. She doesn’t want anymore pain.

But then Leverrier appears before her, a man from her dark days in the Order, a man who would not let her escape the terrible nightmare the Order has put her through. She puts all her loneliness, frustration, and sadness from her younger days into the man who now stood before her as the Black Order was tearing down all around them by a rampage Level 4. And again he wants her to be an Exorcist, he screams at her in fact; he wants her to use Innocence that may kill her. He wants her to be a weapon that her brother does not want her to be.

But she is scared of this man who represents everything she hates about the Order, and when he tries to grab her to take her to see Hevlaska, she is repulsed and slaps his hand away. She doesn’t want to have anything to do with this man. But a part of her is also scared at what may happen if she follows him. She wanted to see Hevlaska at first, but her brother’s tears and her own fears were now conflicting within her, making her uncertain on what to do.

Even though both the nurse and Lavi tries to defend Lenalee from Leverrier, his words get to her. She is an Exorcist, one of the only few in fact. If everyone is in danger from an Akuma, who else but an Exorcist can get rid of them? This is something that she has known all along; however, her wish for normalcy had stray her from the path of an Exorcist.

When her brother came before her and did everything he could to be by her side, threw his own life away to help her, she knew that she had to do the same as well. She had to throw her own life away to become an Exorcist, however it was a decision that still weighed heavily on her. It is something she does not want and Komui also feels the same way. He doesn’t wish this upon his sister, but knows that she has no choice. This is her destiny, a fate God has chosen for her by allowing her to use Innocence as a weapon. But she had to be strong, just like Komui. She decided to fight for her brother.

And now the Innocence is testing her; she cannot run away again. Even though Komui wishes her to not test the Innocence, she knows that she cannot run away from it, even if it makes him sad. This is the life that she now lives, and she must use Innocence and become an Exorcist again.

She has made her decision. And although she is scared, so scared that her body shook, she gave the nurse the shoes she lent — a pair of shoes she knew that she may never wear again, and walked out of the ward determined to let the Innocence test her. She thanked the nurse for defending her and helping her, and although the nurse is horrified that one as young as her is walking to a death’s embrace, Lenalee knows that this is normal.